Looking For Kate
by litminor101
Summary: Caroline is confused and anxious when she reaches out to draw Kate into her arms and finds that Kate is no longer in arm's reach. Will Kate ever be in her arms again?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: The story begins in the wee small hours of the morning after Caroline's and Kate's wedding day. It is my alternative ending of Series 3 Episode 6. The characters in the story belong to Sally Wainwright. The events in the story are mine.

Part One: Looking for Kate

It had become a habit. Whether half-asleep or wide awake when Caroline was roused from sleep, in the middle of the night, she would automatically reach to take hold of Kate's hand or drape her arm around her lover's body. Reaching out and not finding Kate next to her put Caroline on the instant search for her Kate.

"I'm not there, Caroline. I'm here. Sorry about turning on the lights and waking you."

"You alright? My Lord, it's the middle of the night."

"Just the usual…my nineteenth time to pee and heart burn like crazy-again. It's half past three, if you must know."

"In the morning! Come back to bed. I want to hold you… and the baby."

"Don't know why. I feel like a sexless tank."

"Waddle over and I'll show you why. Mrs. Katherine McKenzie Dawson."

Kate lumbers back into bed. Eight and half months of pregnancy getting the better of the natural agility she once possessed prior to her pregnant days. She crawls as close as she can to Caroline, given the imposition of a very large tummy. They lie face to face, allowing Caroline to affectionately stroke Kate's face and letting those amazing blue eyes work their magic.

"Not much of a wedding night." Kate said dispiritedly. The happiness of their wedding day was commingled with Caroline's mother's nonsense of not attending her own daughter's wedding and the subsequent confrontation between mother and daughter. And if that wasn't enough, to add insult to injury, Kate was not the sex machine she thought she'd be on her wedding night.

"Doesn't matter." - said in an untroubled manner. At present there was not one thing that quantified caring about. Not while Caroline and Kate bathed in the contentment of their love.

"Sorry about not wanting to- stupid heart burn. Can't seem to get rid of it." Subtext- apology offered for not being the ideal wedding night bride.

"Give the baby a break…she just wanted to be part of our wedding night." Subtext- apology accepted but not at all required.

"You over your mother's lunacy…she's hardcore, your mother."

"Not even going there."

"Okay…it's your mother."

"Right. It's late…err…umm… rather it's early, I should say. Think we ought to try for some sleep. Who knows when you wake up again you could feel a whole lot better. And maybe we can…umm… you know _try again_?"

"You're magnificent. And you know what… I think I'm feeling better already… yeah I am. She's confirms what she has said with a nod of her head. It's an open invitation complete with one of Kate's trademark gleaming smiles.

"Really? Ain't that just the surprise?"

Kate continues in her usual flirting form. "And because you've been so…umm…understanding. I'm going to let you get on with your work today and this afternoon I'm going to drive William to the train station. All just for you."

"Oh, aren't you sweet. You sure? You don't have to do that you know. It won't kill me to take a break from work and drive him myself…."

"Absolutely, no way. I insist. My little gift to you."

"Right. You do know I could never refuse you of anything. Best not start now, mhm?" That's that. All has been settled- sealed with a quick kiss, to boot. Kate will drive William to the train station.

"Good. Got you trained, already." Kate teases, self-satisfied with her seeming victory. Lest she should be reminded that it's the queerest of times that fate intervenes on the act of kindness.

"Oh you- go to sleep. But kiss me first." The kiss was passionate, lingering, and seductive. Kate was right. She is feeling better, a whole lot better- enough to _try again_ _ **.**_ Who needed a wedding night when there was a morning after?

Part Two: Looking for Kate

It's as if Caroline is attempting to look through a thick patch of fog, with no end in sight. She is more a witness to the events than being the actual participant- even though it is clearly her that this is happening to. It's all so weird. And why is she still wearing her wedding outfit? She's more than a bit confused.

At some point in all of this confusion she's opened her front door and has met up with two burly police officers who stand shoulder to shoulder grim faced. It's raining, heavily or is it her tears falling like cats and dogs? Or is it both? It's all too vague to know.

As Caroline stands face to face with the officers the name Kate rolls off her tongue in a bizarre slow motion fashion. Then, almost immediately thereafter the thought of her mother comes to mind. Despite having been angry with her mother most of her wedding day the thought of something happening to either woman would be unbearable- totally devastating. Caroline loves both women in separate manner but equally as deep. She tells herself whatever the police have to say, she doesn't want to hear it.

"Are you Dr. Caroline McKenzie Dawson?" One of the policemen asks gently in stark contrast to the raindrops that are fiercely pounding the brim of his cap.

"Yes…Yes I…I am. What's. What's happened?"

Perhaps this is the precise moment for Caroline to bring out the bargaining chips. Make impossible to keep promises to her God above for a tradeoff to her liking?

The Policeman continues talking but Caroline only sees lips moving. She's straining to hear but all words are inaudible. Somehow, intuitively she gets the message; she knows exactly what the police officers are there for.

And then came that moment when Caroline sees her lethargic body begin to falter. She watches herself frantically grabbing hold of the open door to preempt an imminent fall to the ground. It is William who comes to her rescue, saves her from falling all the way to the ground and pulls her up. Her William, he's been brilliant- always there for her. The only one of her family members who truly understands her love for Kate. But why is he in his robe and slippers? And he has her birthday card in the pocket of his robe?

"William, why aren't you on the train? You'll be late for your classes."

" _Is it true- are you seeing someone?"_

" _How'd you feel about it if I was?"_

" _Is it Kate McKenzie?"_

"I'm looking for Kate. Do you know where she is?"

"Caroline?"

"Oh you're here…my darling…I thought…oh, it doesn't matter, now that you're here."

" _I told John."_

" _About us?"_

" _God it felt good."_

" _You're Magnificent."_

" _You're very pretty."_

" _Do you want to dance?"_

" _Is this like…umm…forever?"_

" _I Caroline Elizabeth Dawson take you, Katherine Ebike McKenzie to be my wedded wife."_

" _I now pronounce you spouses for life."_

The heavy fog- it's come back again. It's bloody maddening- the damn fog. It's making everything so- so very imprecise. People or rather people best described as shadowy images are all around Caroline- people she's never seen before- doesn't want to see- doesn't even know. They certainly all weren't at the wedding. Why is everyone being so bloody kind? And where is Kate? Caroline needs to see her Kate. Touch her; drown in the comfort of her arms.

This that's happening can't be real, she reminds herself. While attempting to chase away the stupid thought in her head that she has never ever said "I love you" to Kate. The thought is unimaginable. Yet it drives her urgency to find Kate all the more.

There's got to be a way to wade through this damn fog- get back to where she knows Kate will be anxiously waiting for her and wondering what's happened. Maybe if she closes her eyes and pretends that she is lying in her bed Kate will be next to her. Then she could reach for Kate draw her close to her; feel her presence once again. Yes, yes of course that's what she could do. But to Caroline's dismay when she reaches for Kate she is greeted not by her lover's warm comforting touch but by an unwelcome cold vacated space. Her Kate is very much out of her arm's reach. Caroline begins to cry, desperate to find her Kate because she knows that she can't live one single day without her Kate. Where oh where is her Kate?

She sees herself praying hoping against all odds that the fickle hand of fate with all its random acts of unkindness has not intruded into her world. And then, if by a miracle, out of the blue Caroline hears a soft melodious voice. That voice could only belong to her Kate. Yes, it is her Kate. Caroline sees her clearly now; the fog has lifted. In her hand Kate's holding a book. The title of the book makes Caroline wonder if Kate has found the cost of salt too dear a price to pay. As for Caroline she has no regrets about the price she's paid for salt.

Kate, my lovely beautiful Kate- I've been looking for you…but the fog…I…erm…I …"

"I'm right here, Caroline."

"I thought…you were…the…the police were…were at the…the door. And all these people- I don't know half of them- they're dressed in black. I thought I lost you- I don't want to do this all on my own. It wasn't part of the plan."

"You're not alone, Caroline. I'm right here- with you and the baby."

"Yes. The baby….Aww, a little girl."

" _I always wanted a baby."_

" _Why didn't you and Richard…"_

" _We did- four times- lost them all."_

" _Oh God, oh I'm sorry."_

" _Caroline, if you think it's a daft idea just say it."_

" _I don't think it's a daft idea."_

" _So you would be talking about sleepless nights, nappies and years of angst and teenage tantrums,"_

" _I can do all that."_

" _Amazingly, I'm pregnant."_

" _Flora…Flora Grace."_

" _I like that name."_

"Caroline. Please. I'm sorry but you've got to wake up now. Caroline…Caroline… do you hear me…hey you …wake up. It's time."

"Kate? Thank God you're here. I was looking for you."

"Of course I'm here- where else would I be…"

"William…err…what about William…the…the train station…"

"I don't think I'll be doing that! Taking him… and neither will you. Haven't you been listening? The baby's decided that that was not a good idea. Now please get up, Caroline. Before I have her right here."

"Then you're not…you're not…Shit it was all a bad dream. Bloody hell…It was just a dream- a dream?" The sheer relieve of knowing it was only a dream renders an involuntary chuckle. Unfortunately for Caroline Kate is not finding anything funny right at the moment.

"Caroline…I'm in labor…I'm having contractions here…they're getting closer and closer …And I'm beginning to run out of patience with you. I have no idea what you're going on about. Now please get out of bed right now, get dressed and take me to the hospital. William will have to find his own way to the train station. This baby wants out, sooner rather than later."

"Right…I'm up already. Be but a minute. Get your things." Caroline begins scurrying about to get ready but stops and re-thinks the situation. Perhaps a reassuring word would only be fitting to say to her anxious pregnant wife.

"Kate…I love you. Everything is going to be fine…just fine, now."

Kate stops in her tracks and turns to look at Caroline and the most beautiful blue eyes in the world are looking back at her- all smiles. Kate's face also is alight with the biggest smile of her life. She's completely forgotten about the discomfort of the contractions she's having.

"Caroline, I'm going to be somebody's Mum."

"Yes. Yes. Yes you are. Isn't it … **Sweet**?"

End Note: Thank you for choosing to read my story.


	2. Chapter 2 The Journey

A/N: Thank you for choosing this story to read and a special thanks to all those kind souls who took the time to send a review….extremely appreciated.

Part One: The Accident

"Mum, you blinked. Then you're alright. God Mum you're alright. Please Mum if you can hear me blink again or better still Mum open your eyes." His mum does not respond to his pleas.

The sight of green lights; red lights; blue lights; yellow lights; sounds of a loud crash; screaming; cursing; sirens; feelings of helplessness; fear; regret; the pandemonium of it all overtake William's mind concurrently and without warning. He sees Kate being taken away in an ambulance and then his mother on a stretcher being lifted into an ambulance. He hears the Paramedic tell him- "You're just fine now lad, off you go."

He's not just fine. He's standing there at the scene of the accident a pathetic wreck watching as the two people he loves most in the world are being carried away in an ambulance.

"Open my eyes?" William hears his mother say. The swell and deflate of his chest which is responsible for the long out flow of breath is physical evidence of the relief he feels. William takes hold of Caroline's hand and clutches it with all his might.

"William? What…what are you doing here? God I feel…terrible. Why am I in this bed? Where's Kate?"

"You're in the hospital Mum. You…me…Kate… We were in an accident. We got hit by a car… the Jeep I mean got hit by a car. The driver…he must have been drunk or something…he didn't stop. He hit…he hit us on the side where Kate was sitting. I didn't get hurt-only shook up a bit. They think you have a concussion and some other stuff- cracked ribs or something. Not too serious or anything like that- but you have to stay here- in bed…in the hospital."

Even in her half cognizant state of mind the only thing that Caroline can think of is - first the nightmare she experienced mere hours ago and now a bloody automobile accident. What's the likelihood of that?

"Kate…Kate where is she. Jesus William. What happened to Kate? Why didn't I see…how could I not have seen the car coming at us?"

"Mum you where in the backseat with Kate. I volunteered to drive you to the hospital. Oh Mum. I thought if you were in the back with Kate you could…you know be with her- calm her on the journey to the hospital. She was a bit anxious- about the baby. I thought….I didn't know…Oh Mum what have I done? I am so very sorry." It was an abject apology that William offered.

William forgets about all the medical equipment that Caroline is attached to and her weakened state, he flings himself onto his mother's battered body. There he weeps like a newborn baby as Caroline holds him in her arms. William has jolted her to full cognizance - she remembers now. In silence she too weeps while tears freely roll down her face. The rise and fall of her chest is the only telltale sign that she is crying, full blown.

Collecting herself she has to ask the question that's begging to be asked, though she's longing to hear but only one answer. She pulls William up to position him to look face to face at her. "William…tell me…is…is Kate…is she…umm…Kate- is she alright, William? Tell me she's not…Oh God…no she's not hurt is she? She's not. Right William?"

"Mum…I don't know. They took her away in a separate ambulance. And then when I arrived here they ushered me to you. They would only tell me about you. Granny is here now and she's gone to see if she can find out about Kate. Will you ever forgive me Mum?"

"There's nothing to forgive, love. Nothing at all." Caroline pulls her first born son into a motherly embrace. Her brilliant William, such a gentle soul. There is no circumstance where she could not love him unconditionally, none whatsoever. She needs him as much as he needs her.

"And the baby? William what about the baby?"

Before William can answer Celia strolls through the door. "Well sleepy head you're awake. Gave us quite the scare you did. How you feeling, love?"

"The baby what about the baby, Mother? Do you know anything about the baby? About Kate?"

"I'm afraid love I don't have any news for you. The doctors are still with her. But you shouldn't worry-I'm sure she's in good hands- her and the baby. They'll be well taken care of, Caroline." Celia is doing her best attempt at cheerleading.

"Lawrence…where's Lawrence? Does he know?" Caroline is in semi-headmistress mode, for a brief moment.

"Alan's with him. He's fine. Alan's got everything under control." A reassuring response but it's doubtful if Caroline was listening to all what was said.

"I need to speak to the doctors. I need to know about Kate." Said in a staccato voice.

"I think it's best you just relax now. Get some rest. You were right banged up, love? They should be here, the doctors, before long, to let us know-what's happened. I know it's hard, love but you've just got to try and be patient, Caroline."

"Mother my wife needs me…I need her even more." Understandably, Caroline is becoming testy and needs to direct her anger at someone- who better than her mother?

"And who, Lady Muck is going to be silly enough to drag you from this bed?" Celia's cheerleading days have come to an end.

Caroline only tuts, rolls her eyes and turns her head away from her mother. Her eyes tear up.

William is steadfastly clutching his mother's hand which is his way to convey he knows completely how much his mother needs Kate in her life but after listening to Celia he is of two minds whether to be loyal or sensible.

William is saved from choosing sides as finally a nurse and doctor walk briskly into Caroline's hospital room. Caroline readies herself. She's both reluctant and eager to hear the news that awaits her. The Doctor is the first to speak and introduces himself while the nurse looks on with an encouraging look- as nurses often do no matter the situation.

"Well how are you feeling? I think we can all heave a sigh of relief now that everyone's been attended to."

"What are you saying?" Caroline's not quite ready as yet to exhale.

"What I am saying is baby and mother are doing perfectly well. Your wife delivered a healthy baby girl. We've given both mother and baby a thorough examination and I don't think you'll have to worry about either one of them. Thanks in part to you, your wife tells me."

"To me?"

"Yes, to you Dr. Dawson. You used your body to shield Kate and the baby from harm; draping yourself over them like a protective blanket. I'm told. Which is why Dr. Dawson you've got the brunt of the injuries from the accident. Though given the extent of the injuries sustained by everyone the impact of the collision doesn't appear to have been that serious. I'm sure you may have a different opinion Dr. Dawson, considering it was your family that was involved and you that experienced the broken bones. But trust me I've seen worse-a whole lot worse." His temperament was reassuring- even charismatic to the point one couldn't help but like his beside manner.

"Dr. McKenzie Dawson…I got married…my name now is Dr. McKenzie Dawson."

"Okay, Dr. McKenzie Dawson except for your son here, we're keeping the rest of your family in the hospital for a couple of days or so. Just a precaution to make sure everyone is alright and then you all can go home, together as one big happy family. Sound good to you?"

Now is the time- both Caroline and William can exhale, together. The worse is over. Caroline's family is safe and sound. Every inch of her body is hurting like bloody hell but she's feels so very damn good. All she cares about: Lady Luck usurped the fickle hand of fate and she gets to take her family home.

Owing to a kind nurse and a borrowed wheel chair Kate is able to carry out a visit to Caroline the morning after the accident. The nurse positions the wheel chair next to Caroline's bed; gives a friendly nod and takes off leaving the two of them to their privacy.

"Well, hello you." Kate is first to acknowledge. The two women are quick to greet each other with heartfelt smiles. Every inch of their faces express the pleasure they find in seeing each other.

"Good Morning to you too." Caroline, not being quite yet mobile enough to jump out of bed and sweep Kate into her arms instead extends her hand. Kate takes it into hers and holds it firmly to her lips. A plethora of thoughts surface but Kate chooses not to speak them. She instead holds them in a heart swelled with love.

"What's this all about? You okay?" Caroline asks as she indicates the question relates to the wheel chair Kate is occupying.

"Oh, you mean the wheel chair- mainly for show. Just a sprained ankle. That's all. Never mind me look at you. Quite the shiner you got there. Bet you're black and blue all over."

"A reminder to never sit in the back seat." Caroline's witticism never takes a rest.

"Hope it was worth it- being a lifesaver and all." Kate takes and gives back in kind.

"Had I not you probably would have haunted me. Don't fancy being Mrs. Muir." The Mrs. Muir that Caroline is referring to is the young widow in the old movie classic (The Ghost and Mrs. Muir) who is haunted by the ghost of a dapper sea captain. She eventually falls in love with the ghost who becomes the love of her life for all eternity.

"Good. I wouldn't have wanted to be Ghost Kate either. I look terrible in a beard- he did have a beard, the sea captain. Didn't he?" Kate replies to Caroline's banter with her own brand of light hearted teasing.

"Mhmm" Caroline chuckles before turning serious. "You really alright? That was quite the… adventure."

"Stop your worrying. I'll be just…I am doing just fine…promise."

"Right. And the baby. .. Ten fingers and ten toes."

"Yep… Ten fingers and ten toes. Right as rain. She is- our Flora."

"Good that's good. Nothing pleases me more. You know that I would have given anything to be with you…I…I wanted to be there…beside you…."

"It's okay Caroline. You couldn't have predicted this." Kate's eyes sweep around the hospital room emphasizing her point.

The nurse interrupts Caroline and Kate. "Excuse me Kate…but…sorry." The nurse has to take Kate back to her room sooner than planned.

"I've got to go." Kate says regretting having to say it.

"I know." Caroline is resigned to letting Kate go- but she knows it is only just for the time being. Within minutes after Kate leaves she's already wishing Kate was there with her.

Part Two- Three months after the accident

A habit it once was- after being roused from sleep automatically reaching for Kate; a ritual it would be from this day forward Caroline tells herself as she awakes from the deepest sleep memory could recall. She reaches out to find her Kate to consummate their pairing; to let herself know that Kate is right there beside her- where she belongs- forever.

She touches the space where Kate should be but is not. Instead of being catapulted to a panic state and on to an instant search for her Kate, keeping her eyes closed Caroline only smiles her usual closed mouth smile. She hears the deafening piercing cry of a three month old baby. Unlike what it should be – the cry is pleasing to her ears.

Caroline knows the arms that are out of her reach are wrapped comfortable around their baby. Their baby- wow how beautiful does that sound. And ever the more wondrously their baby has fulfilled so many long held dreams for both her and Kate.

The baby is still crying. Perhaps she should get up and help Kate navigate through the early stages of motherhood. Duty-bound Caroline goes to where Kate and the baby are. Kate is cradling the baby tenderly in her arms and she has finally settled the baby. Caroline wraps her arm around Kate and draws both her and the baby to her. Kate leans her head against the side of Caroline's head. As Caroline whispers to Kate "It's alright," the baby lets out a soft melodic coo as if to agree. The moment is so very perfect- a treasured memory that occurs once in a lifetime. It binds the threesome together as one.

"Do you want to hold her, Caroline?" An unselfish offer to share her dream of motherhood.

"I think she's sleep now. Shouldn't you lay her down? Don't you think?" Sensible but kind.

While still staring with rapt attention at her child Kate reluctantly and ever so attentively places her Flora into her bed. When Kate finishes the task she turns back to Caroline and gazes questioningly into beautiful blue eyes she's grown to adore. She knows Caroline loves her beyond words but now there has to be consideration given to the dynamics of this child in real life.

"You don't regret this do you? You're 47. It's not really what you planned on doing next. Is it- babies?"

"No, not in the beginning. But now…umm…now I feel "lucky." Is that a word?" She questions her language teacher.

"Yes…Yes…it's…it's a very good word, Caroline." Kate's once quizzical expression gives way to a broad contented smile. She's overwhelmed by the certainty of Caroline's unwavering commitment to motherhood the second time around. She feels so very much honored to have Caroline as her child's mother.

Caroline realizes what her answer has meant to Kate. Not wasting a moment, she reaches for Kate's hand so as to lead her to their bedroom. Both women's hearts are bursting with love and every inch of their body is consumed by the anticipation to prove it.

It has taken most of Caroline's life but now she has finally reached the pinnacle of happiness. For all those years, even though she had never known it…. Caroline had always been secretly… looking for Kate.


End file.
